As the novelty of this place wears off, I find myself overwhelmed, frustrated, sick & tired, and discouraged. My sandal’s broken from the monsoon, I have stomach cramps and diarrhea from the apple I ate yesterday which I knew would make me sick but I needed something besides bread so I ate it anyway, the cow with the broken hoof that lives near the shedra can barely walk now because cows aren’t meant to bear their weight on only three legs and he’s in so much pain and skinnier each time I see him, and I would do anything to help him but I there’s nothing I can do, and my head is perpetually stuffy from the smog, I can’t walk home after dark unless I want to be eye-fucked by every scary man I pass and risk being mugged or raped, it’s hot out but I can’t wear shorts, I have tons of homework that’s impossible to do without the internet which only works half the time- good thing I paid for it, there’s a street dog I always pass on my run who’s leg is wounded and infected and rotting off- his fur is all green and pussy and the other dogs growl at him until he moves but it hurts him to walk and he has nowhere to go and it just breaks my heart, and the cars are incessantly honking and belching out thick black smoke and no one gives a fuck, I miss my boyfriend, I have a blister on my foot and it burns every time I take a [freezing cold] shower and god knows what’s in the water, when a shop doesn’t have the correct change for you, you just get less back and no, you cannot have the original amount back and go somewhere else, there are cockroaches everyfuckingwhere in my bedroom, under my covers, in my clothes, constant subtle nausea is a fact of life, the Nepalis murdered all their goats today so that their goddess of death can drink the blood which is pretty fucked up, but god forbid the Tibetans want to peacefully celebrate their holidays which don’t involve killing things- sucks for them, they’ll go to jail because otherwise China will fuck up Nepal’s shit; all the locals are always sick and coughing and spitting up nastiness and staring at my white skin while all the tourists ignorantly and arrogantly take pictures of the beggars with horrible deformities as if they’re zoo animals, all the shops are closed for the festival and the atm’s are out of money so good luck if you were planning on getting anything done, and oh you didn’t want bread, soggy okra, chili sauce, and water for dinner again? Sorry, welcome to the third world honey. What did you expect?

AND, after being at the shedra for only a few weeks, I’ve already been slapped in the face with the fact that certain aspects of Buddhism are just as “religiony” as all the things I hate so much about Catholicism. Even though I didn’t come here intending to adopt the Buddhist religion as my own way of life, I had some preconceptions about Buddhism that turned out to be not-so-correct. Examples of things that I wasn’t expecting:

• People prostrating in shrine halls and in classrooms every time they see a thangka painting, any type of statue or other depiction of the Buddha, a lama, etc… There are people are bowing down to guys in robes everywhere you look, and I’m talking LAYING on the floor. It’s a little much.  Border line cultish, if you ask me. Guess that’s religion… But I find it sickening / unsettling.
• A “chant book” is read aloud at the beginning and end of each philosophy class. A translation of an excerpt that I found particularly eye-roll worthy: “Affectionate One, your radiant beams of highest knowledge totally vanquish the darkness of my deluded intellect; please bestow the light of intelligence and self confidence….” blah blah blah. Puh-lease. I don’t know why religions insist upon characterizing us joe-shmoes as pitiable worthless pieces of garbage. What I do know, though, is that my deluded intellect wants none of your radiant beams. Sorry I’m not sorry.
• I’ve been told that you’re only supposed to walk clockwise around stupas, because counterclockwise is disrespectful. Fuckin what? I only need to go one street over to the right, but I have to walk left and go in a GIANT circle to get there? That’s OCD status.

So Buddhism isn’t as laidback as I thought. And living in a “developing” country sucks pretty bad sometimes. It’s emotionally draining, physically challenging, and psychologically exhausting. But wait- I’m only here for 4 months so who the fuck am I to complain at all? This is real life for people. Some will never know anything different, because they can’t travel, because they have no identity and don’t officially exist. They are nobodies who belong nowhere, and so they’ll be stuck here for their whole lives. For me, this is some shallow experiment in personal development. I feel guilty and selfish and sorry. But I also feel privileged and proud of myself. I don’t know what to feel, it’s confusing. Guhhhh. Take me back home, to my boyfriend who loves me, to my American bubble where the poor people are fat and pillows are soft and you can breathe the air and drink the water and call the police if you need help. Where there are no children eating garbage on the side of the road while I pass by with my thermos of tea and money in my wallet. Where people can just shut their eyes to death, sickness, oppression, and poverty. Where old people are hidden away in nursing homes, out of sight, out of mind so that we can go on pretending we are immortal, invincible, indestructible. Where no one asks questions because the solution to every problem is in the back of the book, and no one would call on you if you raised your hand anyway. Where life is an infomercial and ignorance is bliss, and everything is plastic and sterile and money-back guaranteed, and guns and gasoline will save the world.

Maybe Nepal isn’t so bad after all. Or maybe it’s just that the grass is always greener on the other side. I can’t tell… I think I’ve lost track of which side I’m on, actually. The whole thing is overwhelming.

Anyway, I don’t mean to be a debbie downer. I really am glad to be here, in spite of the shitty, confusing parts. There are tons of things I’ve been enjoying about the way that the shedra operates, and I’m really loving all of my classes, my host family, and my friends. I definitely can relate to the principles that Buddhist philosophy is grounded in, at least :) There’s something about the Buddhist ideals and the Tibetan way of life that resonates with my ideas about the universe and with my very soul. So even though I have no interest in subscribing to Buddhism as a religion, and even if I get overwhelmed and have to sit down and cry occasionally, there’s no doubt in my mind that studying at a monastery and living in Nepal will help me identify and strengthen my own beliefs. I’m happy to be here, and I’m very grateful for such a kickass opportunity. I think that all of my frustration and discouragement is only going to make this experience even more meaningful in the end.

These are some of my notes from BSTD 201: Buddhist Philosophy and Hermeneutics, taught by Lobpon Karma Gyurme (a young monk) in Tibetan with English translation:                                                                    

We should study the dharma + practice the dharma only if we trust in it

Spiritually inclined or not, we all want to pursue pleasure + avoid pain

- Outer level- physically. We don’t want to get sick, hurt, or die.

- Inner level- more important, because happiness overcomes bad outer circumstances.

- Note: a problem arises when we seek inner peace by means of external things. Doesn’t work. We need to trust in ourselves in order to find happiness. This is the root of our spiritual endeavors.

Sometimes when we receive teachings, we don’t see change in our lives and we worry “what am I doing wrong?” If you investigate this, you will find that your teachings aren’t being brought together in a unified way. They must be integrated + applied to our practical lives in order for us to see change.

Detect a problem + solve it. Don’t be lazy or make excuses.

A note on laziness: it often takes the form of procrastination by making plans instead of just beginning. Rather than making backup plans in case things go wrong, etc, we should just start. Go with the flow. Learn from personal experience + apply our instruction. Otherwise we will go on planning to do so forever. Put theory into practice. What are you setting out to do? Do it now.

 Look within ourselves:

1. We have minds,

2. A precious human life in spite of our many obligations and the obstacles we encounter,

3. An opportunity to engage in spiritual endeavors – don’t waste this!

4. An opportunity to learn + receive instruction + advice,

5. The ability to put our teachings into practice + observe the consequences of our actions, thus –

6. The opportunity to end suffering for ourselves and for others

It’s not whether or not you shave your head + wear robes, but rather, whether or not you apply what you learn

Understanding the process of spiritual practice is more important than doing the practice, and the act of having faith in something is more important than the object of that faith

Applying our teachings will lessen our anxiety + doubt and benefit our minds by fostering inner peace + happiness

Our state of mind should be thus: We are ill, our teachings are our medicine, our instructor is our doctor. Believe. Trust.

Ego wants us to believe that we are our egos. This is not the case. We can separate ourselves from our egos because the ego is only 1 part of our being. Meditate on this.

This is a pretty cool class (: Sure, some things are a little kooky, but whatever. I’m not even sure what ‘normal’ is anymore. And the monk is really engaging and entertaining. For not speaking English, I think that says a lot.

So even though saying goodbye to the love of my life might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and even though every day here is an enormous emotional struggle, I’m glad I made the journey to Nepal. I hope it will be a worthwhile and enriching experience. Namaste from Boudha :)